Brotesque

"Men can't be men anymore, brah! 

Hey, buddy. Hey brah. Doing reps but I wanna give you a shout out. Naw, seriously, bro, stick around for a bit. I gotta give a shout-out about mens' rights. Close your eyes and smell that, dude. Gym sweat, testosterone and axe body spray. All around and how it should be everywhere. Until lately this was the only place we could feel like men and say shit men say. Now I am taking back what we lost, piece by piece. It ain't fair for us any more.

Men are oppressed by political correctness. Everything's been all turned around on us. Now men fight for stuff. We gotta fight for what we want to say unless we want to get in trouble. Well, fuck that, bro. I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say, because the last time I checked this was a free country and you gotta have a thick skin to live here.

Let me just say it. Bitches, right? They got everything now and still complaining about us, and we got nothing, dude. What about mens' rights? Who talks about that? I should be able to tell a rape joke, because nothing's off limits in a free society. It's just a funny joke, man. Can't you take a joke? Women tell jokes about men all the time and you don't hear men bitching unless they're guys fronting and looking to get laid. Chicks got all we got, plus they get free drinks at bars. Now girls are greedy, asking for special treatment. You think I'm lyin', bro? Dude, my buddy's girl got his balls in a jar by the bed. Girls got guys emancipated, if you know what I mean.

What, bro? Oh, emasculated? Whatever. Whatever you call it, that's what men are.

So pop culture is starting to come back for us, right? That's all the tv shows and commercials that back us up and talk about what we're thinking about right now, huh? That makes sense, that makes sense. So the pop culture takes all these guys who feels silenced, cut off and sissified and lets them say stuff in commercials. There's more and more of it around, and no one is really noticing. Cause really, talking about bitches and rape and assuming women already got their rights and are now just bitching, all that true. Especially in comedy, cause when it's funny and people get offended, you can just shut them down by sayin' can't take a joke? Comedy is where you get away with it without being getting shit for it. Comedians are making it funny, too.

"Bitches, amiright fellas? Rape, amiright? I'm a satirist!! "

We got their backs, bro. We're on the internet defending mens' right to say anything, because we gotta shock our way back to being important. Don't like being offended? Then tune out. Hate certain words because it offends you? Suck it up. This is the 21st century and if you want to pretend you are more advanced than the male, then you need to be able to take a joke. Even a rape joke. That's funny. And the best thing about it is that comedy lets you say whatever. You can get away with it even if you aren't funny but call yourself a comedian. That's why the comedians are leading the charge up the hill. We change pop culture through comedy because you don't get as much grief when you say what you're scared about in a joke. You can put something in a joke and it doesn't make anyone feel bad. It's just... funny.

I thought we got all that 'women rights' bull out of the way, from all the way back in mad men times up to right before the president got a blow job. After that, women were equal, right? So why are they still complaining? Everything's equal now, so everything should be equal. Why are we still giving better legal treatment to women when everything is totally fine now? What, dude? It's not fine? Fuck you, it's not. It's fucking even, man. Women got more than men now, and if anything they're just trying to push their agenda onto us so what's ours isn't ours anymore.

Makeup isn't just for chicks anymore. Guy beauty products are all over the place. Mens' skin care stuff and makeup is everywhere. Man, fifteen years ago I would have shit a brick looking at all this stuff. Sephora's mens section's got $30 Deodorants with fancy names like Yves St Laurent and Dior. You wouldn't catch me in there for more than a minute, and that's just to check out the door girl. See, girls want all that stuff, but men are being like, told by society that they have to wear it and be like girls. Girls don't get told what they have to wear. They just like looking that way. I dunno, they just like torturing themselves, I guess. Nobody is telling them what to wear or how to look. What, dude? Who's Gloria Steinem? Is that your ex? Who's Jean Kilbourne Another ex? Killing Us Softly? Miss Representation? Half the Sky? Whores' Glory? Hold up, hold up. Why are you throwing all these names at me?

What's sex trafficking? Is that when people fuck during rush hour? Stop confusing me. You can't tell me that girls are forced to put themselves down because they got no choice. This is the twenty first century, right? This is the century of the guy and then we hear all these stories about coerced prostitution, rape pandemics and stuff that sounds smart. This is exactly what I'm talking about bro. Every time a guy's got a beef, some bitch or some guy fronting for a bitch comes along and shuts us down.

Men are being victimized more than anybody, bro. They are being pushed into this billion dollar market of male hair products and perfumes. See, we're the ones who don't got a choice! My old college professor, some feminist dude, went off about calling it a identity crisis, or gender confusion or something like that. Whatever. All kinds of men living in the world, but we are looking in the mirror and we can't change the way girls see us. We're getting all confused. Some dudes feel bad and other dudes are afraid women blame us for everything and will cut off their dicks in their sleep or just stop sleeping with us.

So basically I'm saying that women have all the power. Only women can change the way that pop culture looks at them, but dudes gotta stay the same, and there's nothing they can do about it. Men feel trapped like animals. We're getting all confused. Not afraid to admit it bro. We are a little scared about staying on top. So, we are doing the one thing that feels right. We are pushing back, and we're not taking it any more. It's like Revenge of the Men. We are taking back what political correctness stole from us cause everything's even now. Everything got fixed and people are still bitching.

What gives me the right? Why the fuck are you asking me that? It's free speech, bro. We are sick of being told what we can't say. Sometimes you just gotta call a bitch a bitch. Go ahead, bro. Try it on for size. It feels good. Just say it. Sometimes you just gotta say it. Daniel Tosh and Louis CK and Seth McFarlane and Bill Maher are my heroes, man. They say some boring shit but they crack me up when they just don't care what people think. They know stuff's equal and they are just telling it like it is. They make jokes comparing girls to prostitutes and they joke about rape and incest and they tell jokes where the punchline is a tit or a pussy or some stuff that men are afraid to say outside of a joke. Edgy comedians are holding the olympic torch for the male race because they are the future of a truly equal society.

I'm not an ignorant, bro. If you really think that then come at me, bro! Didn't think so. I learned stuff in school and I still think I got the shit end of the deal now.

All the way back in the 1800s, this chick named Elizabeth Cady Stanton wrote something that was the bitch version of the Constitution. From the 1960s to the 1990s we started knowing about stuff that wasn't right, but it got fixed. The American Birth Control League got formed by a woman back in the 20s and turned into Planned Parenthood later on. This book came out in the 50s called 'Feminine Mystique' where wives started thinking about their place. Eleanor Roosevelt did a lot in the 60s, and a bunch of laws got passed right up to the blow job in the White House that let women get treated equally at work and in marriage and stuff.

"Women are equal everywhere, bro. They just gotta want it bad enough."

There was this really big Supreme case in the 70s that basically made it so girls didn't have to go across state lines and hurt themselves or go to illegal doctors if they needed a procedure done. I mean, a lot of States already said it was okay, but Roe v. Wade made it okay everywhere. Fair enough, bro. I ain't bitching if you know what I mean. That got passed. Now that it passed, there's no way it can be reversed, so why are people afraid? It got passed, bro! Progress is progress. No pain, no gain, and once you gain it, it's gained. Right? Even if they take it away, girls can still go across state lines and get it done. Girls got freedom now. It's called 'modern society.' You don't like it, just go get it done someplace else. You don't got money, just put your tits on the internet or do a Kickstarter campaign. Bro, why you staring at me like that?

I ain't a meat head  I know that for a long time bitches couldn't vote, own property, expect equal pay, or expect the same education and career chances as dudes. For them, getting the rights was just about asking for it. Some people think it was some big uphill climb. They just had to want it bad enough. My sissy professor said it took 130 years to get there but his balls are in that nightstand jar, too. I get so pissed off when people talk about women fighting a war to be recognized in this country. They got to stay home during war, and didn't suffer at all, so it wasn't even the same thing.

My western civ class in high school said that wester civ always handed hedge demon powers off to wealthy white guys. Stop interrupting me bro. Hegemonic? See, I knew you were a pussy. It's okay dude, you're cool, you're cool. Ok. You're starting to piss me off. Let me do my reps for a sec.

1... 2... ugh!... 3.... 4... oooouurgh!.... 5..... 6......7.... 8!!! Fuck yeah!

Ok, so the hegemonic power went to all the wealthy white guys. It was like a will or inheritance and it came from somewhere really far back, but that's just boring history. That's in the past. See, me? I'm more interested in the future. My classes always said girls never got equal reps in society. Me and a bunch of the other guys always argued with the teacher until all the girls screamed and cried and got their panties all twisted up. They said that women being oppressed is provable fact that you could get if you opened a history book, even a conservative one written by a conservative white guy. We kept hearing that girls have had to fight twice as hard as men to get things guys can just take whenever. Maybe it was like that in the history books but everything's even now.

One guy had it right. Robert Bly took a bunch of dudes into the forest and they ripped off their shirts and grunted and cried and screamed at the moon. They called it mythopoetic. They thought that modern society didn't let guys be guys, and you know something, I agree with them! I just wanna be able to go to the gym and tell a chick when she's being ridiculous and laugh my ass off to Family Guy for pissing people off. I don't need to do a circle jerk in Acadia National Forest with a bunch of old bearded dudes, but I got mad respect they went off and did that. Robert Bly's, like, the dude's version of Susan B. Anthony.

Men feel like ogres or monsters. I'm a man, and I take full responsibility for what my society has done to women. But now if they work hard as men, they make as much. What, bro? That's not true? Fuck you, dude. You don't know what you're talking about. My man Alex Castellanos said that unequal pay is a myth, so it's gotta be, right?

Girls had their chance to fight and be equal and all that, but it's gone to far. Now we're the minority, and that's bull. Politically correct just keeps us from telling the truth. Don't you want to live in a society that's equal? Well, bro, then start acting equal. Men should act equal as women act to men. See, simple? It's simple, bro, fucking simple solution. You feel gagged by your wife, just watch comedy. People calling your point of view offensive? Fuck that man. Put everything that makes you mad about your place in society into jokes so that people will have to listen and can't be offended. Tell everyone you have it worse off than women and say it in funny commercials. Say it in ads. Say it in comedy shows. That way, no one will give you shit for it. Trust me, bro. Watch our Man Revolution grow grow just like my glut muscles. Feel 'em. Go ahead, bro, I ain't a fag. Squeeze em. Nice, huh?